my job is, unfortunately, just that.

Reading previous entries on the woes of my academic life and the horrors I went through during attachments made me think about where I am now and whether or not I am happy.

I guess I'm satisfied that I managed to land a job in the health care sector that gives me sort-of regular hours and public holidays off plus overtime pay. It's not the ideal starting point though, because Endoscopy is rather specialised but at least I'm not that afraid of going to work. You see, one of my very biggest fears is harming a patient. One time, I was so scared that I couldn't sleep well for two nights. Then I had giddiness on the second morning, and the doctor gave me lorazepam, an anti-anxiety drug, to help me calm my nerves and to sleep better.

The other fear is disappointing myself and my parents. In one entry I said I was terrified of what my father would say if I didn't become a nurse in the end cos I was this close to throwing in the towel. I realise that I didn't have to be because all he cares about is whether I'm doing fine. Thank you God, for giving me such wonderful parents.

Lastly, the nursing higher-ups met up with me shortly after I joined NUH to discuss my decision of going straight to a centre instead of starting out in the wards. I haven't told very many people this, and I'm quite sure even after posting, only like two more will know :) in a nutshell, they weren't too happy about it because I wasn't going to get enough general experience and go through the suffering that all new nursing graduates go through. I tried explaining that taking care of 8-12 patients just didn't work for me and shift hours were tiring. I needed the regular hours in order to function properly and of course, I wanted my work-life balance. They told me to reconsider my decision and I did, but in the end I refused their offer to let me go to the ward. My Transition to Practice posting sealed that deal for me, I was utterly miserable and depressed for the entire one month. They asked what was my plan for the next five years and I told them that I wanted to go into the managerial side and that was it. I think they were a little disappointed with my answer cos I'm sure they expected a typical response like "Be the Director of Nursing!" but sorry, I'm not an ambitious person. As long as I have food on the table and adequate savings for the parentals, I'm good.

As Kelly once told me, "Don't care what other people say. Just do what you want to do." She's absolutely right, it's MY life and mine to screw up. Yes Endoscopy is narrow and maybe I won't learn as much, but who says that I want to be a nurse forever anyway? I never was one to stay in something for too long.

And so, I guess I'm happy-ish. For now.